I am myself made up entirely of flaws, but I am stitched together with good intentions,

 I promise.

I may not be perfect, but I am human.

I can't promise you that this is going to be easy, but I can promise you that it will be worth it.

The Funeral-Band of Horses

I think we are all pathological liars.

We lie to ourselves constantly to get throughout the day.

"Today will be a good day" 

or in the turn of events that today is not a good day

"Well things could be worse"

Yes things can be worse but does not take away from the shit day you are already having.

We lie because if we don't give ourselves something to believe than we would be entirely miserable all the time.

Not only do we lie to ourselves, we lie in consideration of others.

We lie to make everyone feel better.

It's better to say, "Everything will be alright" as opposed to "No you will probably end up alone and miserable with 50 cats".

Why do we do this?

We build ourselves up to a pedestal that can crack at any moment.

Maybe we just love the thrill of it all.

To know that we can be caught in a second of our lie.

You know the classic moment when you are actually in the middle of your lie, no actually when you are in the middle of fabricating and making your lie even more ridiculous, and the person gives you the look.

The look in case you did not know is the look of, You are completely full of Shit.

We are all just so full of shit.

Literally and Metaphorically speaking.

We are all liars who are filled with shit.

But I think that is just what makes us human.

So maybe we are pathological liars but with good intentions?

We can't blame ourselves for trying to paint a pretty picture with shitty crayons.

We play with the cards we are dealt with.

But maybe tomorrow will be a good day.

Who am I kidding?

Tomorrow is Monday.

Goodnight.

Thought you should know.

When it comes to this I can't find the words to say it.
But the fact is you deserve more credit than I ever gave you.
I push the times we were happy away, far away.
Sometimes so far I almost forget I was ever happy.
I was far more selfish than I led on.
It wasn't your fault or your mess to clean up.
But I am happy I met you and for what we had.
I don't regret what we had, but I do regret how we ended.
And lately I have thought about you, just wondering how you are.
And I wish we could be friends, but I know we were never meant to be friends.
Sometimes you meet people in order to have just those brief encounters of happiness and we need to take the opportunity for what it was.
No need to dwell or regret because at one point we were both smiling.
You made smile & I hope I made you smile.
And for what it's worth wherever you are I hope you're having a great day.

if i had but an hour of love, if that be all it’s given me. an hour of love; apon this earth, i would give my love to thee.

- The Lovely Bones.

2011

same shit, different digits.


the eve before the new year I had never had such a profound moment of pure happiness.
Happiness of completely and utterly letting go.
It was an overwhelming feeling to finally let go.
No one saw this but I cried, I cried because I was so happy.
Maybe these tears were not visible but I know what I felt.
It was like a weight literally being lifted off  my shoulders.
A year that felt like decades was finally over.
But now what?
Nothing has changed.
I have let go but now what do I hold on to?
That pure happiness wasn't real.
Happiness is temporary.
But it is your individual choice to make it permanent. 
It's a week in and I already feel fucked.
I want some many things, maybe too many things.
Why am I giving up before even trying?
See I'm fucked. I'm fucked before even trying because I am so used to not trying.
No it is going to be different, it needs to be different.

I am putting myself first and telling the world to fuck off.
Because this time, it is my time.
I know what I am and what I want to be.
I know what it will take & how hard it will be.
But I am ready for it.
Ready to fall on my face and pick myself back up because I'll know I did it all by myself.

the greatest love is the one you will find is for yourself and then everything will fall into place.

Now I'm just waiting.