the eve before the new year I had never had such a profound moment of pure happiness.
Happiness of completely and utterly letting go.
It was an overwhelming feeling to finally let go.
No one saw this but I cried, I cried because I was so happy.
Maybe these tears were not visible but I know what I felt.
It was like a weight literally being lifted off my shoulders.
A year that felt like decades was finally over.
But now what?
Nothing has changed.
I have let go but now what do I hold on to?
That pure happiness wasn't real.
Happiness is temporary.
But it is your individual choice to make it permanent.
It's a week in and I already feel fucked.
I want some many things, maybe too many things.
Why am I giving up before even trying?
See I'm fucked. I'm fucked before even trying because I am so used to not trying.
No it is going to be different, it needs to be different.
Because this time, it is my time.
I know what I am and what I want to be.
I know what it will take & how hard it will be.
But I am ready for it.
Ready to fall on my face and pick myself back up because I'll know I did it all by myself.
the greatest love is the one you will find is for yourself and then everything will fall into place.
Now I'm just waiting.
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