Step 1

Funny to think we want so much more for ourselves, but in retrospect we make up excuses to stay in the same spot.

We are too afraid to acknowledge our faults and almost justify the facts and think that this is what we deserve.

No what we deserve is to be far more happy than we are now.

I have been in the same damn race that has become my life and it's like I have just been sitting on the side lines waiting for the energy to just get up and Run.

Run towards a future I know I what and can have.

I am done with the bullshit excuses I keep making for myself and I am doing something about it.

Life was never meant to be easy.

You're meant to fall on your face, it's just a matter of when you want to get up.

It's one hell of life and it's about time I started mine.

Cheated Hearts

I know I can't get attached & I don't intend on trying too.
But I can't help it when I know there is something there.
i know we could talk for hours but both us hold back, because we know there is an expiration date on this.
Trust me I am not investing, I am just merely imagining how it could be.
Were good where we are.
Close but far enough away to not get the wrong idea.
I like getting lost in your eyes and getting caught up in the sheets with your arms around me, but trust me I won't be the one to fall.
At the end of this I won't look back but I know you'll be wondering why I didn't.

"It's not going to be easy, it's going to be real hard. But I am willing to do that, because I want you. I want all of you, forever you & me."

-Noah, The Notebook

All Black Everything-Lupe Fiasco

Down the rabbit hole

"I said its outside let me go swimming in your eyes

We been running for awhile, why don't you lay down and I'll make you smile

I could never ask for nothing better than this

Its just tequila and the beach, it's salty when we kiss"

I am in a deep hole of emotions for you & I can't help but smile.

You are what I needed & always wanted.

In case you were wondering.

We hold onto the things that hurt the most because at one point they made us happy.
But you did nothing but pull me back into a person I never wanted to be.
I love who I am now & would never want to be the person I would have been with you.


But thank you.
Thank you for breaking me so I can be who I am today.
Without those tears and days of saying "fuck you" to the world, I really wouldn't be as strong.
Strong enough to walk away from something that frankly was never good for me.


I hope one day you realize all You have done & remember you lost a good thing.
But most of all I hope you realize you did me a favor.


So thank you.

Sometimes you just have to say "Fuck You"

& remember You are probably better off anyways.

Don't let the bitterness take away your sweetness.

We all got baggage you just have to remember how much weight you really want to carry with you on this adventure we call life.

So fuck the people who say you can't and the people who say you can.

Live life how you'd want to remember it.

Actions speak louder but there is something about His words.
Is this what I have been waiting for?
Because I really am speechless.
I am baffled at seeing this unravel.
I never thought I would allow myself to smile so freely without knowing how it would end.
You are the journey I am willing to take.
Neither of us know what we are doing, but I think that's the beauty of it.
The best things in life are unplanned & that's exactly what we are Baby.
The only definite thing about this how we feel and I know I have said my share of lies.
But when I look at you I can't even pretend & I know you can't either.
I hate to say you are stuck in my head and that i want to hear your heart beat, but I can't help it.
You're like an addiction I just can't quit.
Put your hands all over me and take a deep breath because I promise you this is going to be  worth it.
Actions speak louder and there is something about Yours.

If I could have you for myself I would.
I can't sleep but I smile knowing we are looking at the same moon.
How romantic the sky can be, connected by the stars, maybe one day we can see them together.
In fact dream in them together and maybe even grab them.
I am beginning to think I have wrapped my heart around yours.
If I could have you for myself I would.
If I could have the moon I'd give it you.
How romantic the sky can be.

Happy Birthday

I am trying to be strong because I know you would want nothing else but that.
I miss you more everyday & saying I love you doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.
Happy Birthday to the strongest person I ever met.
I love you Mami Gatty<3

All my life, I have been in love with the sky. Even when everything was falling apart around me, the sky was always there for me.

The sky was the only constant factor in my life, which kept changing with the speed of light and lightening.

As I told myself then, I could never give up on life as long as the sky was there

-Yoko Ono

I am myself made up entirely of flaws, but I am stitched together with good intentions,

 I promise.

I may not be perfect, but I am human.

I can't promise you that this is going to be easy, but I can promise you that it will be worth it.

The Funeral-Band of Horses

I think we are all pathological liars.

We lie to ourselves constantly to get throughout the day.

"Today will be a good day" 

or in the turn of events that today is not a good day

"Well things could be worse"

Yes things can be worse but does not take away from the shit day you are already having.

We lie because if we don't give ourselves something to believe than we would be entirely miserable all the time.

Not only do we lie to ourselves, we lie in consideration of others.

We lie to make everyone feel better.

It's better to say, "Everything will be alright" as opposed to "No you will probably end up alone and miserable with 50 cats".

Why do we do this?

We build ourselves up to a pedestal that can crack at any moment.

Maybe we just love the thrill of it all.

To know that we can be caught in a second of our lie.

You know the classic moment when you are actually in the middle of your lie, no actually when you are in the middle of fabricating and making your lie even more ridiculous, and the person gives you the look.

The look in case you did not know is the look of, You are completely full of Shit.

We are all just so full of shit.

Literally and Metaphorically speaking.

We are all liars who are filled with shit.

But I think that is just what makes us human.

So maybe we are pathological liars but with good intentions?

We can't blame ourselves for trying to paint a pretty picture with shitty crayons.

We play with the cards we are dealt with.

But maybe tomorrow will be a good day.

Who am I kidding?

Tomorrow is Monday.

Goodnight.

Thought you should know.

When it comes to this I can't find the words to say it.
But the fact is you deserve more credit than I ever gave you.
I push the times we were happy away, far away.
Sometimes so far I almost forget I was ever happy.
I was far more selfish than I led on.
It wasn't your fault or your mess to clean up.
But I am happy I met you and for what we had.
I don't regret what we had, but I do regret how we ended.
And lately I have thought about you, just wondering how you are.
And I wish we could be friends, but I know we were never meant to be friends.
Sometimes you meet people in order to have just those brief encounters of happiness and we need to take the opportunity for what it was.
No need to dwell or regret because at one point we were both smiling.
You made smile & I hope I made you smile.
And for what it's worth wherever you are I hope you're having a great day.

if i had but an hour of love, if that be all it’s given me. an hour of love; apon this earth, i would give my love to thee.

- The Lovely Bones.

2011

same shit, different digits.


the eve before the new year I had never had such a profound moment of pure happiness.
Happiness of completely and utterly letting go.
It was an overwhelming feeling to finally let go.
No one saw this but I cried, I cried because I was so happy.
Maybe these tears were not visible but I know what I felt.
It was like a weight literally being lifted off  my shoulders.
A year that felt like decades was finally over.
But now what?
Nothing has changed.
I have let go but now what do I hold on to?
That pure happiness wasn't real.
Happiness is temporary.
But it is your individual choice to make it permanent. 
It's a week in and I already feel fucked.
I want some many things, maybe too many things.
Why am I giving up before even trying?
See I'm fucked. I'm fucked before even trying because I am so used to not trying.
No it is going to be different, it needs to be different.

I am putting myself first and telling the world to fuck off.
Because this time, it is my time.
I know what I am and what I want to be.
I know what it will take & how hard it will be.
But I am ready for it.
Ready to fall on my face and pick myself back up because I'll know I did it all by myself.

the greatest love is the one you will find is for yourself and then everything will fall into place.

Now I'm just waiting.