& it feels nice.

I really missed this feeling.

It's different this time, it feels genuine.

The innocence of it all is what really makes me smile.

The whole not knowing how to act or what to do.

It's not even like oh this is a mystery, it's truly just nerves.

Nerves because it's exciting and it's new.

You smile at me and we both look down because we can't help but just smile more.

& then we catch on that everyone else notices.

Awkward but that's what makes it.

This year is almost over and I can't wait for what else it has in store.

Old poem I forgot I had written here it goes:

I bet it stung.
You know I'm going to be just fine & that's what kills you the most.
The words are meaningless at this point.
But I know I will always be in the back of your head.
Maybe I was the one that got away.
But neither of us will ever know.
You can't take back what you said & I'm gone.
Like a cigarette burning slowly you knew our time was up.
Sometimes what you think is the greatest love can be the biggest mistake.
We wanted things neither of us could give each other.
You were in love with the idea of what we could be instead of realizing what we were.


But I am sorry, because I could never love you like you loved me.

& have that much more of an extraordinary story to share.

The Truth is none us are where we thought we would be.
More than half of us are not even close to where we thought we would be in life right now.
Not that we are stranded in a ditch and dying or anything to that extreme.
But we are just not where we expected.
Maybe our expectations were just too high?
No my friend shit just happens.
Shit happens and you deal with that shit, no You learn to adapt to whatever shit is going on.
You learn to co-exist with the shit and then learn that the shit is just a part of life now & in turn completely forget how it was before the shit even happened.
Sometimes, Shit is just shit and we have to just brush it off.
Because in all honesty it is just a different day but the same shit.
Shit.
It's the best way to describe it.


So why dwell on Shit?
Yeah maybe you are not in the school or relationship or life you thought you would have.
But circumstances and life just happens.
Shit just happens.

If you want something bad enough

& you know it's worth it

There is no excuse for you to not have it.

& I want it.

Now to make it happen.

Goodnight<3

Love Actually

Love Actually, is all around us.

We as human beings have free will and with that free will we have a choice.

A choice to be happy or unhappy.

Sometimes we don't even consciously make the decision to be unhappy.

Maybe sometimes it is just the SHIT circumstances we are put in.

Too much on your plate

Too little on your plate

Either way we are unsatisfied and are left craving more.

Instead of the glass being half empty or half full, why not just drink the whole damn thing and start over?

& Instead of being completely and utterly miserable why not realize that

Love Actually, is all around us.

Maybe not in the most significant of ways.

But sometimes it is the insignificant that prove to show us what really matters.

Don't be afraid to feel.

To feel sad, happy, sarcastic, angry, melancholy, shit even constipated!

FEEL IT ALL!

& embrace it all!

Maybe not so much the constipated, you can handle that in your own privacy.

But steering from the point!

Don't you see?

Love Actually, is all around us.

We are just all too busy sometimes to realize it.

I believe that we all have this BIG GREAT LOVE inside of us that most of us are afraid of.

Or maybe don't even know we are capable of even loving something or someone that much.

Love is a many splendor thing.

Love is many thing with many names.

Love is in a kiss.

Love is in a hug.

Love is in a smile.

Love is the most common and greatest gift you can ever share with someone.

Love is what I wish to share with someone.

Love is what I want to share with you.

Love Actually, is all around us.

Love is what i feel for you.

Love is in the middle of my next sentence.

I Love You.

I love.

I love to be loved.

I love the feeling of being loved.

And with this need, well the need we all need.

We look for love in every direction.

Not in romantic, just in acceptance.

We want to be wanted.

We want to be loved.

I love.

I love to be loved.

I love the feeling of being loved.

And with this need, well the need we all need.

We give you the benefit of the doubt.

When really you never gave us a reason too.

We are fragile.

I love to be loved.

I love the feeling of being loved.

And with this need, well the need we all need.

We hold onto people.

We are on the verge of breaking.

So we hold on because we are so deathly afraid.

Afraid to actually admit that maybe We are Alone.

I love.

I love to be loved.

I love the feeling of being loved.

And with this need, well the need we all need.

Sometimes we need to be devastated.

Not to feel the pain, but maybe just to feel.

Sometimes you need to admit you to feel anything at all to realize the bigger picture.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

And with this need, well the need we all need.

Sometimes all we need is to hear that.

I love.

I love to be loved.

But more than that I love you.

Things used to be, now they not
Anything but us is who we are
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers
We’ve become public enemies
We walk away like strangers in the street
Gone for eternity
We erased one another
So far from where we came
With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing
Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E
Hatred and attitude tear us entirely

Blame Game-Kanye West.

Happiness:

Something to do

Something to Love

& something to hope for.

Now all I am looking for is something to do, to love, and most of all hope for.

And then I will be happy.

I refuse to settle.

Because it wasn't till today till I realized how much I am capable.

Let the party start.

To be Thankful.

I don't know what to be thankful for.

Things could be worse & I guess I am thankful for that.

I am thankful to have someone to listen.

Just one. 

I don't need many, just one person.

And for that I am thankful.

Thankful to be alive, for the most part.

I know not your typical holiday cheer, right?

When I write this I am oddly laughing to myself.

I am thankful to be alone.

I am thankful for my thoughts & only my thoughts.

I know this sounds horribly pessimistic but really it's more of a revelation.

You don't need others to tell you something is wrong or to tell you that everything is going to be okay.

Because even though they are trying to be there for you.

Who are they to you and your problem?

Do they really know what it feels like?

You have to learn to stand by yourself to ever stand at all.

I am Thankful for this battle I fight alone.

I want to become acutely aware of everything I have taken for granted.

I've got dreams to remember-Ottis Redding

Pillow Talk

I thought I felt you between my legs.

I thought I felt you graze your hand up my thigh.

I thought I felt you sigh.

I thought I felt you bring me closer.

I knew what you were doing.

I knew once I looked up that would be it.

Quivering lip, I look up.

& you smile.

God that imperfect smile.

Oh shit.

And now your I feel your lips.

I remember this kiss.

I remember your hand slightly moving past my cheek 

I remember you pushing my hair back

I knew what you were doing.

I knew what I was doing.

I knew that this is not how it should be, but I didn't care.

Because for that moment you were mine.

I knew that once it was over even though you were holding me that you would be holding Her later.

But that moment, that one moment you were mine.

& I didn't care.

I Miss You

You were the one to always pick me up.

Even when I did not realize I was falling.

Family is like a pillar.

When one of us falls, we all do.

I have fallen.

Where are you to pick me up?

This process never gets easier.

It just gets more bearable.

Or at least that is what I like to convince myself.

But who am I kidding?

Where are you pick me up?

I can't do this.

Please, I am begging.

Can I just close my eyes & wake up from this nightmare?

I Miss You.

& that in itself never gets easier, nor will it ever.

Quelqu'un m'a dit (Carla Bruni)

I’m told that our lives aren’t worth much,

They pass like an instant, like wilting roses.

I’m told that time slipping by is a bastard

Making its coat of our sorrows.

Yet someone told me…

That you still loved me

Someone told me…

That you still loved me.

Well ? Could that be possible?

I’m told that fate makes fun of us,

That it gives us nothing and promises everything,

When happiness seems to be within our reach,

We reach out and find ourselves like fools.

Yet someone told me…

That you still loved me

Someone told me…

That you still loved me.

Well ? Could that be possible?

Well ? Could that be possible?

So who said that you still loved me?
I don’t remember any more, it was late at night,
I can still hear the voice, but I can no longer see the face,
“He loves you, it’s secret, don’t tell him I told you.”
You see, someone told me

That you still loved me

Did someone really tell me?

That you still loved me

Well, could that be possible?

I’m told that our lives aren’t worth much,
Passing in an instant, like wilting roses,
I’m told that time slipping by is a bastard,
Making its coat of our sadnesses.

That you still loved me

Someone told me…

That you still loved me.

Well ? Could that be possible?

My favorite song from 500 days of summer, translated from French :]

Is it still me that makes you sweat?

Boy calls girl.

Girl's reaction:

Heart Stops

Catches Breathe

Butterflies go away.

Girl responds.

Boy: Hey, how have you been?

Girl thinks why do you care?

Girl: Great, how about you?

Well as much as I would love to be the optimist.

The truth is:

I love you, but I love me more.

& it is about time I start working on that relationship.

"tonight every street in the city

ends up where I don't want to be

the signs tell me how far I am from you

even though you're all that I see"

Left my head and heart on the dance floor

I truly do not want to care anymore.

I don't miss you.

But there is not a day that does not go by that I do not think about you.

I miss what we were.

& I want that back.

Why do I get left with nothing except the memories that stab me back?

I want the feeling back.

I want to be able to have this feeling, but with someone else.

I am done with the lingering thought of what we were.

I want new experiences with someone.

I loved being loved by you.

But now it's time for me to move on.

It's going to be alright.

It's a promise I have made with myself

& I intend on keeping it.

"Close your eyes and I'll kiss you

Tomorrow I'll miss you

Remember I'll always be true,

And then while I'm away,

I'll write to you everyday

And I'll send all my loving to you,

All my loving, I will send to you

All my loving darling I'll be true."

-Beatles 

Heaven at Nite

"Have you ever been to Heaven at Night

Closing your eyes the feeling so right"

Where are We?

"I might get your heart racing

In my skin-tight jeans

Be your teenage dream tonight"

Before it's too late enjoy the little things

&

"I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back"

do things for you & only you.

Because before you know it you will be trapped in a life you had no idea you even had.

There is no day but today.

We make our beds and must sleep in them.

So who cares if you left it a mess, we are all a bunch of messes.

Nobody knows where my Johnny at...

What is it that I exactly want?

I just don't want to settle.

I settle for everything in my life.

I give up before even trying.

But when you look at my attitude that may seem out of character.

I settle for things in life because to me they are not important.

Now how does that make any sense?

I want it all at once.

I am impatient and irrational.

I want it all.

Success is measured for me in happiness.
& it's been long since i have been happy.

Not that I am completely miserable.

But I am miserable knowing it can be better.

I deserve better.

I have had better and I want to quit with the comparisons.

I want something new.

Something Fresh & Exciting.

I want LOVE.

& somebody to Love.

I want a love so Big, so Grand that I don't know what to do with it all.

I want to be baffled.

Speechless.

I want a LOVE that leaves me speechless.

That keeps me guessing, but never doubting.

& with this love i want a kiss.

but not just any kiss.

i want something EXTRAORDINARY 

I want a kiss that will give me butterflies every time.

I want the fireworks, the world to stop, to forget where i am, & my foot to pop like in the black and white movies.

I want a Love that is not simple.

I want to be challenged.

I want to change to be better for this person & for this person whoever they are out there to feel the same.

I don't want them to settle.

I want a Love so BIG, so Grand.

I want them to be left speechless & feel fireworks.

Now when it comes to love.

I know it takes hard work.

& I guess now I just want someone to stand out.

I hate admitting it.

My biggest fear is to be alone.

& with everything in my life I guess you could say I settle or give up because what is the use in having everything when you can't have anyone to share it with?

The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

I am a firm believer in that everybody has a somebody.

As pessimistic as I am.

I am a hopeless romantic waiting to be swept off my feet.

But before i do this I need to learn to love the damn fool I am.

“If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.”

— Barbara de Angelis

I deserve this LOVE

& somewhere out there I know it is there.

& when I least expect it

Fireworks will set off, the world will stop, my foot will pop, & I will be left speechless